Sweet solution

The subject of this month's hard to swallow could literally make things harder to swallow. You know how much you like snacking and pigging out in the evening? And how you always get cravings for things that are bad for you, like chocolate fudge cake with double cream, but how you wish you didn't because you want to be slim and toned like all your favourite celebrities? Well, Omega Tech Labs reckons it can banish your hankerings to the fiery bowels of Hell (rather than the rumbling bowels of you) by smearing your lips with a balm called "Promise".

"Simply apply [the] lip balm to your lips [surprisingly] and your desire for sweets and large meals is reduced to help you lose weight," raps Glenn Mouser, vice-president of r&d at said company. How exactly is this possible? Because, according to Omega, when applied to the lips, "an immediate transdermal rush to the bloodstream puts the product to work", while the olfactory (smell) and gustatory (taste) senses are also "assaulted" to dupe us into feeling sated.

"Medical doctors and their patients have tested the effectiveness of Promise with positive results," adds Mouser, although he forgets to mention that the FDA (or a proofreader, by the look of things) haven't evaluated any of the company's statements about Promise: "Promise is a special blend of carefully selected essential oils and botanical extracts [that] has a synergistic effective [sic] that leaves a person feeling satisfied."

More specifically, Promise contains the following oils: castor; coconut; spearmint; jojoba; sweet orange; grapefruit; lime; ginger root; as well as verba mate extract and vitamin E. With all those tasty sounding and smelling ingredients, I think I might be more likely to put Promise straight past my lips and into my mouth.